ALL FEAR

No Fear & "don’t forget your joy."

“I’ll tell you what Freedom is to me, No Fear.” - Nina Simone

I love this quote. I think about it often, and I think of Nina often. But mostly, I think about fear.

I was born into this world almost entirely made of fear. Cute curls, fat cheeks, and a whole lot of fear.

I was afraid of everything—everything. Haunted by these epic nightmares, the kind that cling to you long after you wake up. I used to walk for miles in New York City, never stepping on a crack. You know the phrase, “Step on a crack, break your mama’s back”? Well, I believed it. My mom had already been through a couple of back surgeries, and I wasn’t about to be responsible for another one.

Do you know how difficult it is to avoid all the cracks in New York City? But, let me tell you, my calves were hella defined from all that hopscotch.

My mom used to say I was three going on 300. She’d never met a kid more afraid of everything. I was the only five-year-old who cared about how much gas was in the tank or whether we’d make it to our destination. If my parents were 10 minutes late, I assumed they were dead. And then, I’d play out how I’d react when I found the bodies. Would I cry, or would I keep it together for my sister? Somebody had to.

When I was 13, my dad forgot to pick me up after Tae Kwon Do class - he was two hours late. That was day I started collecting leaves as I walked home, dropping them behind me like Hansel and Gretel, hoping they wouldn’t blow away. Just in case someone needed to find me.

Then there was West Nile Virus. The minute I heard about it, I knew the next mosquito bite would be the end of me. My mom refused to take me to the hospital, though I begged her. Don’t even get me started on Zika.

For someone who wanted to be great, adventurous, and tough, I wasn’t. I didn’t like myself. I didn’t like how I looked, how I talked, or how I existed. I didn’t want to be me—anything but me.

Then came college.

College was a turning point. I feel like I became almost fearless. Part drugs, part YOLO, part “why not?” It was this intoxicating mix of freedom and rebellion that made me feel invincible. For the first time, I wasn’t ruled by fear.

I let this boastfulness enter into my career life - people would day how hard it is to make it as an actor and I would tell them, “not me!” I was certain I’d make it as a working actor, no matter what. Even when I was sleeping in my car, I knew it was only temporary. I was fearless - - - until I wasn’t.

Once I actually began achieving everything I had set out to, fear came creeping back in. Now, instead of being afraid of never making it, I was terrified of losing what I had built. Fearlessness is so much easier when you have nothing to lose. But once you have something, the grip gets tighter. I couldn’t find that fearless self anymore, just that fearful child. Fear settled in, uninvited, and I couldn’t name it, couldn’t explain it.

And then it hit me one day: I was exhausted.